A word of advice to parents who believe that valuable lessons can be taught by evoking gigantic, hairy monsters who enjoy biting the “tushies” of kids who refuse to brush their teeth or touch the veggies on their dinner plate: it’s not worth it.Last night I was suddenly awoken by my daughter who was convinced that her creaking closet door meant a goddamned monster was hiding inside.
“Is he going to tear me limb from limb daddy?” my five year old asked (Okay, so I went a little further than merely suggesting a “tushy bite”). “Of course not sweetie” I responded reassuringly. “There’s no such thing as monsters. Sometimes daddy just says silly things to get you to do the right thing,” I continued. “But what if I try to leave and the monster grabs my ankles and pulls me under the bed the second my feet hit the floor?” she appealed. I was itching to respond “Didn’t you hear a fuckin word I just said? There’s no such thing as friggin monsters! Now get your ass to sleep.” But of course, I resisted the temptation. Instead I simply told her not to be afraid, encouraged her to get some sleep and left the room. In hindsight, I should have seen the writing on the wall but I was too tired to notice damn near anything.
Half an hour later and the piercing “daddy” scream came yet again. “This is a crock of horse shit!” I mumbled to myself as I stumbled back into her room. “Hey sweetie. Still can’t sleep?” I asked, instinctively switching to sensitive dad mode. “I was too scared to get out of bed because of the monster and I wet my jammies…and the mattress is wet too” she confessed on the brink of an all our cry fest.
I was so tired I honestly felt like crying myself but I kept my shit together and simply stared at my daughter who was lying uncomfortably in a pool of her own urine like some kind of fucking barnyard animal. “Daddy!” she shouted noticing I’d fallen into a daze. I proceeded to change her PJs and escort her to the monster-free bathroom. When we returned to her bedroom she reminded me about the mattress. It was the middle of the goddamned night and I wasn’t about to rummage around for fresh linen and start flipping mattresses, so I grabbed a thick blanket and placed it over the pee instead. “There we go…good as new” I declared reassuringly. She was suspicious of my lazy-ass technique but thankfully let it slide.
Monster deprogramming would begin first thing in the morning.
