Would you stop thanking God already! We get it, you’re chuffed that the Academy of Superficiality presented you with a Golden Dildo for your performance in Precious, but why react to recognition of your creativity with such an empty, irritating cliché? During last night’s Golden Globes ceremony I watched as Mo'Nique took to the stage, quivering lip and all, and then paused for what seemed like a fucking eternity only to finally summon enough “inner strength” to thank God for her award. I immediately and unconsciously reacted with a pained moan provoking my wife to ask if I was O.K. “No I’m not O.K” I responded. “I think Mo'Nique just gave me irritable bowel syndrome.” There’s something so grating to me about actors, athletes and everyone else we place on an undeserving pedestal thanking God (or in the case of athletes simply pointing to the sky) for their success—especially when (supposedly) that same God was simultaneously overseeing the devastation in Haiti not 2,000 miles away. Where was God when Mo'Nique was offending us with tripe like Soul Plane or Half Past Dead or any of her “stand up” shows? Will Mo'Nique be thanking God when the gravy that runs through her veins causes her to suddenly feel a throbbing pain in her arm before everything turns white? Probably not.
