Okay you guys, what I’m about to share will shock men everywhere and likely, break a lot of women’s hearts too. For years, I’ve represented myself as a macho pop star. A guy’s guy. A manly man. But the truth is…wow, this is really hard to say. C’mon Barry, you can do it! Deep breaths. Oh my gosh, I’m sweating. Gross. Okay, okay. Here goes nothing…I’m…gay. I know, right? It’s like hearing Clint Eastwood is gay. Or Chuck Norris is gay. But it’s true, you guys. I am. Have been for, like, ever. Brace yourself ladies because I’m married too. To my manager, Garry. Please don’t cry. I never meant to lead you on, but the truth is, while you thought I was busy slaying chicks or repairing my pickup truck or karate chopping cinderblocks, I was actually telling my plastic surgeon, Jeremi with an “I”, to give me the “Chipmunk stuck inside a wind tunnel”. That’s right, this isn’t my real face either. I’ve had a little work done—but only to my cheeks…and eyes…and nose…and chin…and forehead. But that’s it! Promise. I know, this is a lot to take in. One minute you’re under the impression that I’m just this fantastically talented, manly megastar with perfectly natural looks and then pow! You hear, “Barry Manilow is gay” and suddenly your world is turned upside-down.
I would have come out sooner but I didn’t want to disappoint my legions of fans around the world. Apparently everyone is totally fine with openly gay artists, and has been for years. Who knew? Not this Silly Billy. Garry and I don’t do much internetting or newsman watching.
Oh man. What a relief! It feels good to finally let you guys in on my big secret. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my Baby Grand to rewrite “Mandy” the way it was supposed to be—“Andy”.