On Another Level Or In An Altered State?

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Welcome back!

Man am I baked. I went way overboard with those acacia seeds. I should’ve listened to Aaron and stopped when I had a nice light buzz on. But no, I had to go and get wrecked again. Aaron doesn’t even touch acacia seeds. He’s all, “I don’t need that stuff Moses. I’m high on life.” Seriously dude? How can you be so thrilled wandering through the goddamned desert with all these people? I swear, if one more of these numb-nuts asks, “Are we there yet?” I’ll lose it. I’m not joking. I’ll beat someone to death with a lizard, or an animal skull, or something. It’s not like things aren’t challenging enough out here. It’s gotta be 100 degrees and this sackcloth outfit doesn’t exactly breath. In hindsight I should’ve grabbed some Egyptian threads before I legged it out of there. Those guys may be dicks, but they know desert-friendly apparel—I’ll give em that. Linen skirts and sandals. Now that’s genius—and way more fashion-forward than this sackcloth ensemble—which incidentally goes with NOTHING (except shame and discomfort).

By the way, I have no idea if I’m headed in the right direction. I'm not joking. I know I'm supposed to be this great leader and all but I'll be honest, I think we’ve been walking in circles for days. One of my “loyal complainers” even called me out about it. Thankfully none of the others heard him. I told him to pipe down before I waved my rod around and turned his penis into a serpent. He shut up real fast after that. Seriously though, how the hell do you get to Israel from here? Usually I experience some epiphany after downing a handful of those acacia seeds, but receiving reliable directions has proven challenging. I think we’ve passed that rock over there at least three times today. That’s a bad thing right? I'd ask Aaron for help but that dude's even more useless than me when it comes to directions. I once let him take the reigns of this adventure and he almost led us back into Egypt. Can you believe that guy? I was like, “Nice one Aaron, you tool. You almost handed our asses back to the Egyptians.” We had a good laugh over that near-history-altering mistake. Why God would choose a Jew for a navigation-heavy assignment is still a mystery to me. Sometimes I think he wants to sabotage his own plans. I really do. But hey, who am I to question his ways, right? Then again, recently I’ve been wondering if all the supernatural stuff I’ve seen and heard might be, um…you know, just in my head. I mean I do consume copious amounts of those acacia seeds. The other night I could have sworn Aaron and I were riding a flying pyramid across a rainbow. I kept that one to myself. Unlike the time I saw a bush burning without being consumed. I blabbed about that one to everyone.

Man I’m stoned. I feel like taking another nap but we just got going 5 minutes ago and this crowd won’t take kindly to another break. Looks like I might have to make one of my, “God commands us to take a break” announcements. These folks eat up that bullcrap. Those acacia seeds have totally given me the munchies too. Let’s see, should I nosh on the cactus or the sand? Stupid unappetizing desert! I won’t complain about the lack of food though. The last time we did that, God made it rain quails. Seriously! Quails! I didn’t even know what the hell a quail was until I saw Aaron shove like seven of them into his mouth at once. His face looked like a friggin quail’s nest. Not cool Aaron. Not cool.

I am so wasted right now. I haven’t been this high since I made the sea split in half. I did split the sea, right? I was hammered that night too, so who the hell knows anymore? Oh man, there’s that rock again! This is getting ridiculous. The Egyptians would have made it to Israel in a couple of hours but drop a bunch of Jews in the desert and we’ll see you in forty years. Screw this. “O.K. Listen up everyone. God commands us to take another 20 minute cat nap.”