As a kid, when my behavior was out of line, there were no heart-to-heart conversations or "time-outs." In fact, I was never even grounded. Those limp dick “punishments” had no place in our house. Firstly, I don’t think my parents even knew about that new age, Phillip Glass bullshit. And even if they did, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be comfortable sending me off to a therapist who’d inevitably pull some disorder out of his/her ass. Secondly, they were intelligent enough to know that an empathetic approach to my troublemaking would be the equivalent of telling a violent criminal “C’mon buddy, you know stabbing that guy in the neck was wrong. So what do ya say? No more neck stabbing? Now lets hug it out.” No point. Don’t misunderstand me. Arbitrarily smacking kids is unacceptable. But “pussy parenting” equally offends me. Now some parents (say, I don’t know…my wife) think that if a kid (say, I don’t know…my 2 year old son) approaches another kid in the sandbox, and without provocation punches him square in the face, it’s time for a serious chat. Bollocks! It’s smacktime! “But isn’t it a contradiction to use violence to teach a child not to be violent?” my wife will innevitably respond. No. I’m teaching him that sucker punching the strange kid who’s minding his own business and eating sand, is wrong. And now that he knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end of Mr. Thumb and his four goons, he’s less likely to become a repeat offender. This point was reinforced when wifey's Dr Phil approach was met by an immediate attempt to take a second crack at Johnny Sandeater. At that point I had to intervene, if only to show the weird kid’s horrified parents that we take this shit seriously. A smack on the butt and some harsh words later, problem solved. All I’m saying is use your discretion and don’t mindlessly listen to those pastel shirt wearing hippies on TV, feeding you a steady dose of bullshit psycho babble. If your kid crosses the line, perhaps their response shouldn’t be an empty “sorry”, but a teary “ouch.”
