Watching boner pill ads is a strange way to spend sixty seconds of your life. These ads uniformly feature actors who were probably motivated and good looking in their heyday, but have since given up on any serious acting ambition, while allowing themselves to over-ripen in the California sun. Now these leathery extras with their suspiciously perfect hair and freshly bleached teeth are left to fumble around in the acting wasteland that is pharmaceutical advertising. Still, bad boner ads aren’t solely the fault of hack actors (or “hacktors” as I like to call them.) There is, of course, the crappy script. And when it comes to hard-on medications, the scripts are as predictable and poorly written as a bad porno. We see fake couples engaged in activities that real couples never engage in. Like hiking up steep mountains, riding tandem bicycles, and walking hand-in-hand along empty beaches, wearing matching white linen trousers rolled up to the knees while throwing a stick for an excited Labrador to go fetch. One brand even concludes its spots with couples lying in separate bathtubs perched on hilltops, beaches, near waterfalls, or in suburban backyards. The tubs are featured everywhere except a fucking bathroom. How these bathtubs found their way to these random locations is as mystifying as it is pointless. Besides, aren’t these fossils supposed to be getting it on? Why the urgency to take a bath? Then again, if I popped a pill only to realize I just did it with Bea Arthur, I’d need a cold bath too. If you can get past the horrible acting and cheese filled story lines, you’ll be treated to roughly 45 seconds of scary-as-shit legal copy. This is the portion of the ad that warns granddad about the potential of a “sudden drop in blood pressure”, “loss of vision or hearing” and a raging boner “lasting more than 4 hours”. Great. Not only have you created the worst ad ever aired, now I’ve got to worry about geriatrics roaming my neighborhood sporting uncontrollable hard-ons. How am I supposed to tell if that old guy sitting on the park bench is a pervert or celebrating his Silver anniversary? To add insult to injury, now they’re hawking 36-hour boner pills—you know, “for when the moment’s right.” Seriously, if you need medication to get it up, only to find that you can’t get it down for 36 hours, perhaps you should stick to gardening.
