For some bewildering reason, I was asked to address a crowd of singles at an intimate mixer held the other week. The host of the event called me a day earlier suggesting that I speak about “What it takes to find the right partner and sustain a healthy relationship.” I responded with “Are you sure you have the right number?” He insisted that he did. I repeated my phone number slowly, carefully annunciating each digit as if I were speaking to my almost deaf grandmother. It didn’t help. “What the fuck do I know about relationships? And won’t I sound like a condescending prick?” I asked. He insisted that it was no big deal and the people attending would really appreciate the perspective of a regular guy who wasn’t presenting himself as a “relationship expert”. He made it all sound so easy. As if my task was to simply share the secret Jewish mating call with these people and suddenly eligible partners would come running from all directions. Rather than arrive with some clichéd pearls of wisdom, I decided to attend the event and observe the room instead. I thought that studying people’s interactions would provide me with enough insights to both form and share a point of view. Within moments of entering the crowded space, I had made my first observation: Attractive folks were mingling with other attractive folks while the less attractive folks were mingling with other less attractive folks. I did notice the odd interaction between members of each clan, even sensing chemistry blossoming between the parties but these infrequent cross pollinations never seemed to last. Meanwhile, the interactions within each respective clan seemed somewhat forced and even stale. One hour and few shots of whiskey later, I was ready speak my mind.
“Let’s imagine that you’re in a relationship with someone you really like: They’re witty, wise beyond their years and well-versed in the ways of amore.” I began. I noticed people breaking from their conversations to focus their attention my way. That was my green light to go on. “And yet, this special someone is severely lacking in one or more of the following departments: looks, hairstyle, fashion sense, grooming, endowment or physical fitness — so much so that you have to close your eyes when your lips meet, just to temporarily abate your repulsion.” I heard a smattering of giggles before continuing, “You’re racked with guilt for being superficial, but you can’t deny your feelings. In a world that places so much emphasis on looks, this dilemma is understandable. But scratch the surface and you’ll realize that it’s OK not to be attracted to someone aesthetically, but it’s not OK to be ashamed of them. It’s OK for you not to find someone good-looking, but it’s not OK to be so concerned with what others think. It’s OK to judge someone’s appearance; it’s not OK to judge their worth by their appearance. Understand that there are many factors at play when it comes to compatibility. So while it’s acceptable to have certain beauty preferences, don’t become a beauty fascist. Remember, looks fade, personal integrity is forever.”
I waited for a reaction. A reluctant round of applause maybe? A question? Was that a hand raised in the back? Nope. That dude was just picking his nose. Nothing. Within 15 seconds everyone had resumed their forced chit chat. I stood around awkwardly for a moment or two before taking down another shot and walking out the door. On the way home I remembered another crucial piece of relationship advice: When you find yourself on the receiving end of information you find useless, learn how to pretend you're interested.
