I finally understand why some animals eat their young. It’s probably a preemptive move on the part of the parent. After all, there’s little doubt in my mind that my kids are trying to slowly kill me. Why else do they insist on subjecting me to sleep deprivation each night? It took my daughter a full two years to finally “sleep in” till 5:30AM. We were just getting into a groove when my son arrived. His sleep patterns made my daughter look like a friggin narcoleptic. He awakes constantly with ready-made requests. “I want milk” he’ll demand. “I want to watch Diego”, “I want snuggles”, “I want, I want I want…” You know what Daddy wants you sadistic little shit? Some damn sleep. Now before you members of the “We’re Better Parents Than You” committee start firing self-righteous advice at me, consider that my wife and I have read and executed every sleep training “technique” available from Barnes and Nobel. I’ve swaddled my kids so tight they looked like Cuban cigars. I’ve Ferberized them till they puked so hard their bedroom resembled Jackson Pollock’s studio. As far as I’m concerned, Harvey Karp can kiss my ass! Marc Weissbluth, you're full of shit! And Elizabeth Pantley, give me back my $24.95 and maybe I’ll ease up on the death threats. My wife and I walk around like a couple of droopy-eyed zombies. We barely even speak in coherent sentences anymore. Instead we just gesture and grunt to each other like a couple of silverbacks in the African jungle. I’ve learnt that “Imgetcofee” means that she’s off to Starbucks, and she knows that “m’havshoew” means that I’m about to take a shower. Yesterday I tried to pay for a subway ride with a frozen waffle and later found my wallet in the microwave. “Dysfunctional” doesn’t come close to what my wife and I are experiencing. Some older parents with stones located where their hearts used to beat, caution us, “you think they’re tough now, wait till their adolescent years.” Thanks for the pearls of wisdom asshole. What part of “I’m fucking miserable” didn’t you understand? In the meantime, I’m really trying to see the glass as half full, however I just can't help but notice a lot of empty glass.
