The cafeteria at my work now serves small, dry, toppingless burgers called Sliders. These little burgers are exactly what’s wrong with America. They’re like 8-ounce soda cans, Smartcars or 100 calorie cookie packs. The lie is that because the serving is smaller it’s more valuable, more sensible, healthier and even better for the environment. What’s more, look at them, they’re friggin adorable. Problem is, hamburgers are not supposed to be adorable. They’re supposed to be deliciously filling fat, sugar, mystery meat and sodium all squished together in one low fiber, vitamins and minerals deficient patty. A real burger should be inherently linked to cancer and heart disease yet I doubt a slider could muster enough toxins to deliver even mild diarrhea. To add insult to injury, I’m noticing that everyone is serving these sliders and it’s really pissing me off. If I were mentally ill and knew how to build complex explosive devices, I’d send special packages to every place serving sliders. Since I’m not mentally ill I’m going to just calmly tell you that these burgers are a scam and if you think eating 6 of these little bastards is better for you than eating one adult-sized burger, you ought to grow up. And that goes for sliders too.
