Hey there Steven Slater. How are those 15 minutes coming along? I notice that you’re all the rage on Twitter, Facebook and chat rooms. They’re all buzzing with expressions of support for your “heroism”. Looks like you’re quickly becoming the mascot for the disgruntled employee. I have a message for you too: You’re a fuckin douchebag. Plenty of us would like to mouth off to our clients, bosses, or even the obese heifer with an aversion to deodorant wedged beside me in the subway . But we don’t, because self-restraint is what sets us apart from animals like monkeys who settle their disputes by flinging shit at each other.
You signed up for a job that places you in the cross hairs of thousands of disgruntled travelers—and who could blame them? Flying is a miserable experience and airlines don’t seem to give a shit. First they took away our pillows and blankets, then they started charging more for carry-on luggage than the contents of the goddamn bag in the first place. They never leave on time. They consider Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs appropriate adult entertainment. They broke the neck of my Gibson Les Paul Classic. They believe we’re all excited to receive peanuts, like we’re trained circus elephants. And on one JetBlue flight, I was the first one to use the bathroom and found an "unwelcome gift" in the toilet, so I know you bastards don’t consider hygiene a priority either. I appreciate this isn’t entirely your fault, but if I decided to become a traffic cop, I’d expect folks to get lippy with me from time to time. It’s par for the course. Unless of course, you’re Steven “Fuck Y’all I’m Outta Here” Slater.
Unfortunately you’ll probably have the last laugh as I’m sure Madison Avenue and Hollywood are scheming to milk you for all you’re worth. Anderson Cooper must be chomping at the bit for a piece of Slater. Who knows? You might score a book deal, TV show or even a movie. I read that you cracked open a cold one on your way down that inflatable emergency slide. Expect a call from Coors sometime soon. Such are the opportunities bestowed upon the unworthy in this country.
The masses may be lauding you a hero, but to me you’ll always be Steve “The Douchebag Who Made A Poor Career Choice” Slater. Besides, you’ve got the kind of face I just want to punch.
