I’ve noticed a growing trend of children on leashes in my neighborhood. I’d first witnessed the “kid on a rope” phenomenon on a trip to Disneyland, yet convinced myself that in such a chaotic environment, popping a leash on “hyperactive Timmy” wasn’t that absurd. To my bewilderment the trend seems to have spread outside of theme parks, to quiet, residential neighborhoods (like the one I live in.) This would never fly in Australia because firstly, most parents aren’t so lazy and/or obese that they’re unable to keep up with a two-foot toddler. Secondly, it gives the impression that the kid is feral, and recently escaped from a wildlife sanctuary. “Don’t come too close to Robert. He might tear your face off” you expect the parents to warn.
Conversely, here in New York, business at treatyourkidslikepets.com is booming. Now it’s one thing if you’re blind and can’t afford a Labrador to steer you away from festering piles of trash or oncoming traffic. But to date, I haven’t noticed that any of these parents are visually impaired.
Ruling out poor, blind parents as the target market for kiddie leashes, I moved to my next assumption that was based on astute observations with my wife. We noticed that the vast majority of these leash-sporting parents appeared much older than us. Clearly a leash could achieve what arthritic bones couldn’t. Now the offspring of fertility drugs could politely walk alongside the family pet without any sudden chasing required on the part of the parents. Brilliant! It’s like these geriatric posers discovered the fountain of youth (or a new human looking breed of dog—I can’t figure out which.)
I noticed one older couple taking their child for a walk with a soft fabric leash attached to a cute stuffed animal backpack. I guess this was supposed to distract us from the fact that their kid was shackled to a poorly disguised dog leash. It didn’t. In fact it merely added to the dishonesty of two old folks pretending they were up for the challenge of parenting.
There are some things so basic that it becomes infuriating when they’re challenged, like “Is it wrong to strap a leash to a kid?” I imagine it’s not long before these same parents ask “Is it strange that my son pees on fire hydrants and cannot stop licking his own bollocks?”
It’s simple. If you need a leash to make sure little Megan doesn’t stray too far from you, you’re either too old, too lazy, or too out of touch for the job. Probably something you should have considered before the Viagra kicked in.
