When my wife and I were expecting our first child six years ago, I made a sacred promise to myself that I wouldn’t turn into one of those dads. You know the type. A walking stereotype shaking his fist angrily at loud music and kids who had nothing better to do than eat drugs. A dad, who saw it as his duty to micromanage his kid’s social life, incessantly stress the importance of good grades and considered beige Dockers and canary yellow golf shirts stretched across a burgeoning gut to be fashion-forward. Now way! I was going to be “Super Hip Dad” (provided “hip” was still considered an appropriate adjective). A guy who knew exactly which rappers were spitting the truth and how to dress, courtesy of subscriptions to GQ and Details. My kids would often remark to their friends how cool I was and wouldn’t ever consider telling me to leave the room and play Call Of Duty 13 somewhere else when his or her buddies showed up. I would never gently kiss my kids upon their foreheads while telling them I loved them in hushed tone. That shit was for pussies. My kids and I would simply bump fists and nod to each other in agreement of our mutual coolness. And if the occasion called for some extra festivity, we’d do that fist bump explosion thing because that shit is way cool.
Last week however, everything changed and I realized that I have no interest keeping up with the Kardashians (whatever the hell that means). Why? Because it seems that American teenagers have lost their damn minds. Just when I thought I had seen, heard, thought and in some cases, invented it all, I read an article confirming that I pretty much have nothing on these kids. The newest fad to catch a buzz is not only nauseating, but also supposes that bacterial and yeast infections are as fictitious as Matthew McConaughey’s acting ability. The article explained how local high schools are having a real problem with drunk students at school. Drunk students who don’t smell like little alcoholics and consistently pass breathalyzer tests. How is this possible? Because these kids are inserting vodka soaked tampons into their vaginas. In doing so, the alcohol goes right into the bloodstream causing the little morons to get really drunk really fast. Not to be outdone by the girls, boys have figured out that they can also get drunk by sticking alcohol-soaked tampons in their butts or taking a “Butt bong hit” as it’s affectionately referred to. Talk about a new spin on the whole “It was college and everyone was experimenting” line.
Hey kids, you want to know what else delivers a buzz and can’t be detected by a breathalyzer? Prolixin, Trilafon, Compazine and a myriad of other antipsychotic medications. And if you're thinking of getting your next buzz on rectally or via the ol’ hoo hoo, I’m thinking this route is better suited to you.
Great. Now I feel old. Now I’ve transformed into one of those dads that blabbers on about the younger generation losing its way. I’ve broken the sacred promise I made to myself six years ago. Worse still, I’m dragging myself to Macy’s this afternoon (Dockers are 30% off).
