The Internet Is Not The Problem

So 40,000 ultra-orthodox Jewish men pack into a baseball stadium. No, this isn’t the start of a joke—although that entirely depends on your definition of “joke”. It was a rally held at Citi Field on May 20, organized by a newly formed organization, Ichud HaKehillos LeTohar HaMachane, or the Unification of the Communities for the Purification of the Camp (catchy name, right?) The event was a fiery and even tearful gathering designed to raise awareness about the dangers of the Internet.

Rabbis fervently cast the Web as a threat to children and ultra-orthodoxy as a whole. As diatribes boomed through the stadium speakers in both Yiddish and English, stadium staff looked on, probably wondering if they were high.

Eytan Kobre, a spokesman for the event, declared, “The Internet brings out the worst of us!” Rabbi Don Segal, who cried while addressing the crowd in Yiddish, told a story about an ultra-orthodox man who used the web professionally before “it destroyed his yiddishkeit,” or his Jewishness. Perhaps the evening’s most heated rhetoric came from the Rabbi Yisroel Avrohom Portugal, known as the Skulen Rebbe, who asserted, “This is a battle being waged against dark negative forces…and God will help us wage this war against those negative forces.”

But waging a war against the Internet is waging war against technology—and that’s a war you neither can nor should win. The earliest indication that the battle was already being lost was evident as many in attendance fiddled with their Blackberrys, iPhones and digital cameras—even as their rabbis’ fervently denounced technology.

But technology can enhance our lives (click here) or give the impression that we’re members of the world’s least intimidating street gang (click here). It’s all about how you apply it, right? Ultimately, it comes down to individual responsibility. A hammer can be used to build a doghouse, or kill the dog. But it’d be absurd to suggest a ban on hammers in response to a sudden increase in hammer-related canine deaths. That’s simply shifting the blame and focus from the wrongdoers to inanimate objects that are harmless without human interaction.

It’s simple: If you’re afraid that your kids will be exposed to inappropriate material online, install and maintain web filters, or even monitor your kids’ web use. You know? Like responsible parents do. If you’re concerned that in spite of being an adult, you cannot help but click your way to hardcore porn sites (or worse), then grow up, learn some self-control and get off your structurally unsound soapbox. If I had to guess whether Rabbi Yechiel Meir Katz’s statement, “There is not sufficient integrity among the generation today for people to decide what is acceptable and what is not” was based on hard data or pure assumption, I’m going with the latter (and assuming that when he says, “the generation today” he’s really referring to himself.)

If the ultra-orthodox community is serious about protecting its children, perhaps it ought to start by amending positions like that of Rabbi Shmuel Kamentizky, vice-president of the Supreme Council of Rabbinic Sages, who advocates banning ultra-Orthodox Jews from reporting child sexual abuse to police. Kamentizky also advocates threatening victims and witnesses, forcing them to remain silent or report abuse to rabbis only, not the police.

And if the ultra-orthodox community is serious about the kinds of online content being viewed at home, perhaps organizers of the rally should have invited women to join.  Instead, women could attend viewing parties with live streaming of the event (Hmm. Organizers must have discovered a new form of technology-free streaming). A somewhat empty gesture given that many of these women (like those in New Square) don’t drive. But with these men’s libidos seemingly so fragile, perhaps that’s a good thing, especially when you consider that billboards advertising Cholula Hot Sauce had to be covered with white plastic to hide the demurely clad woman pictured on the Cholula bottles.

Here’s my point: If you’re an adult, behave like an adult. Appreciate that world is a diverse place in which you will inevitably be exposed to some things that appeal to you and others that require you to keep walking, look away, change the channel or click elsewhere. Oh, and if you consider yourself a responsible adult, for God’s sake, do the right thing by your kids and report pedophiles to police.

Never forget, if you’re looking at “inappropriate” content online, it’s because you chose to do so. If your kids are, it’s because you weren’t paying close enough attention. The Internet is not the problem.

You’re Not Religious. You’re Just Intuitive.

Riddle me this: A bat and ball cost $1.10 in total. The bat costs $1.00 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost? If you answered $0.10, chances are you have strong religious convictions. On the other hand, if you came up with the correct answer of $0.05, you’re more analytical and probably more skeptical about religion too.

How do I know this? Because according to a study by neuroscientist and philosopher Joshua Greene at Harvard University (published last September in the Journal of Experimental Psychology) folks who answered questions like this one instinctively, were more likely to report stronger religious beliefs (and yes, researchers controlled for IQ, education, political leanings, and other factors). In a nutshell, psychologists divide thinking into two broad categories: intuitive thinking, which is fast and effortless (instantly knowing someone is sad from the look on his/her face, for example); and analytic thinking, which is slower and more deliberate (used for solving math problems and other tricky tasks).

Will Gervais, a graduate student at the University of British Columbia, reinforced this theory stating, "There's been an emerging consensus among researchers …that a lot of religious beliefs are grounded in intuitive processes." Gervais has conducted a bunch of experiments, all aimed at determining whether or not there’s a correlation between religious beliefs and one’s system of thought. Guess what? There is. And indeed, in every experiment, those who had to work harder to comprehend the question or deliver their answer also rated their religious beliefs lower. Coincidence? I think not.

The point is; it's tough to distinguish between what a person says they believe and what they actually do believe. But here’s what we know: When you're thinking more critically you reject statements that you might otherwise endorse. Ipso facto, many religious beliefs would be undermined if people were thinking more critically.

These findings probably won't change anyone's mind about whether God exists or whether religious belief is rational. In fact, if you're a religious person, you’ll likely view this evidence as God providing you with a system of belief that can only be truly appreciated at an intuitive level.

Just remember, there is only one correct answer to the “bat and ball” riddle above, and only one route to arrive at that answer. Cognitive.

For more on this topic, click here. 

On Another Level Or In An Altered State?

Note: Before reading this blog entry, please take a moment to read this article.

Welcome back!

Man am I baked. I went way overboard with those acacia seeds. I should’ve listened to Aaron and stopped when I had a nice light buzz on. But no, I had to go and get wrecked again. Aaron doesn’t even touch acacia seeds. He’s all, “I don’t need that stuff Moses. I’m high on life.” Seriously dude? How can you be so thrilled wandering through the goddamned desert with all these people? I swear, if one more of these numb-nuts asks, “Are we there yet?” I’ll lose it. I’m not joking. I’ll beat someone to death with a lizard, or an animal skull, or something. It’s not like things aren’t challenging enough out here. It’s gotta be 100 degrees and this sackcloth outfit doesn’t exactly breath. In hindsight I should’ve grabbed some Egyptian threads before I legged it out of there. Those guys may be dicks, but they know desert-friendly apparel—I’ll give em that. Linen skirts and sandals. Now that’s genius—and way more fashion-forward than this sackcloth ensemble—which incidentally goes with NOTHING (except shame and discomfort).

By the way, I have no idea if I’m headed in the right direction. I'm not joking. I know I'm supposed to be this great leader and all but I'll be honest, I think we’ve been walking in circles for days. One of my “loyal complainers” even called me out about it. Thankfully none of the others heard him. I told him to pipe down before I waved my rod around and turned his penis into a serpent. He shut up real fast after that. Seriously though, how the hell do you get to Israel from here? Usually I experience some epiphany after downing a handful of those acacia seeds, but receiving reliable directions has proven challenging. I think we’ve passed that rock over there at least three times today. That’s a bad thing right? I'd ask Aaron for help but that dude's even more useless than me when it comes to directions. I once let him take the reigns of this adventure and he almost led us back into Egypt. Can you believe that guy? I was like, “Nice one Aaron, you tool. You almost handed our asses back to the Egyptians.” We had a good laugh over that near-history-altering mistake. Why God would choose a Jew for a navigation-heavy assignment is still a mystery to me. Sometimes I think he wants to sabotage his own plans. I really do. But hey, who am I to question his ways, right? Then again, recently I’ve been wondering if all the supernatural stuff I’ve seen and heard might be, um…you know, just in my head. I mean I do consume copious amounts of those acacia seeds. The other night I could have sworn Aaron and I were riding a flying pyramid across a rainbow. I kept that one to myself. Unlike the time I saw a bush burning without being consumed. I blabbed about that one to everyone.

Man I’m stoned. I feel like taking another nap but we just got going 5 minutes ago and this crowd won’t take kindly to another break. Looks like I might have to make one of my, “God commands us to take a break” announcements. These folks eat up that bullcrap. Those acacia seeds have totally given me the munchies too. Let’s see, should I nosh on the cactus or the sand? Stupid unappetizing desert! I won’t complain about the lack of food though. The last time we did that, God made it rain quails. Seriously! Quails! I didn’t even know what the hell a quail was until I saw Aaron shove like seven of them into his mouth at once. His face looked like a friggin quail’s nest. Not cool Aaron. Not cool.

I am so wasted right now. I haven’t been this high since I made the sea split in half. I did split the sea, right? I was hammered that night too, so who the hell knows anymore? Oh man, there’s that rock again! This is getting ridiculous. The Egyptians would have made it to Israel in a couple of hours but drop a bunch of Jews in the desert and we’ll see you in forty years. Screw this. “O.K. Listen up everyone. God commands us to take another 20 minute cat nap.”

Is Superficial Judaism All That Bad?

Did hip-hop superstar, Drake, know that his new music video would stir such a machlokes among American Jews? Probably. Did he give a foreskin-sized hoot? Clearly not. Then again, it doesn’t appear that much consideration went into his music video at all. It was filmed in Miami’s Temple Israel sanctuary and depicts Drake’s “re-bar mitzvah,” showing the Jewish rapper reading from a Torah. The confusing part is, the profanity-filled, sexually explicit song, Hell Yeah Fucking Right, doesn’t seem to have much, if anything, to do with Judaism—unless you can see the connection between a bar mitzvah and lyrics like “But she was no angel, and we never waited / I took her for sushi, she wanted to fuck”. If you’re like me, you probably asking yourself, “Why the hell wasn’t sushi served at my Bar Mitzvah?” But I digress.

Only five days after its release, the music video had garnered well over 1 million views and predictably, a fair amount of bitter criticism too.

"What's the point of committing to a religion, whose principles you are not going to follow...?" one commenter wrote. "This is just making a mockery of Judaism. I do not practice Judaism, and even I am offended” offered another.

Meanwhile, Temple Israel’s president, Ben Kuehne couldn’t seem to make up his mind regarding the video. At first, he hoped that “Jewish youth will see the Drake video as a reminder to ‘re-commit' themselves to their Jewish religion.” Then Kuehne actually watched the video and quickly changed his tune, asserting, "Temple Israel does not adopt, condone, or sponsor any aspect of the Drake video, and was not involved in its production." Smooth Kuehne. Very smooth.

But with assimilation/intermarriage rates continuing to soar, perhaps it’s Drake with the ace up his sleeve.

Drake, whose real name is Aubrey Graham, was raised by his Jewish mother in Toronto and attended a Jewish day school. Today, the 25-year-old rapper is one of the biggest names in hip-hop and has been very public in embracing his Jewish roots. Ask yourself: Is there a more effective way to inspire curiosity among young Jews whose only connection to religion is knowing that their mothers’ last names once ended with “stein” or “berg”? Probably not. And while outreach programs continue to spend millions of dollars without making a dent in assimilation rates, Drake may have just done the Jewish population a significant favor.

Truth is, when it comes to encouraging unaffiliated youth to explore their Jewish heritage, you can preach Torah values, quote great sages and espouse the importance of Jewish continuity till you’re blue in the face. But those topics simply don’t register. Why? Because they lack any semblance of “cool”. Jewish/Black rappers, on the other hand, are cool. Hip-hop is cool. Irreverence is cool. (Ironically, overusing the word “cool” is not cool.)

Am I suggesting that Drake’s video become the foundation upon which a new generation of Jews practice? Of course not. But hey, whatever floats your boat. I am however suggesting that the video might just be the gateway for disconnected American youth to eventually experience something even more transcendent than, “My nuts hang like ain't no curfew, bitch, if you wave, then I will surf you” (which, to be honest, I still don’t completely understand.)

Apparently, Yitz Jordan, an Orthodox Jewish rapper who goes by the stage name Y-Love, agrees. "I'm ecstatic just to see Drake in a yarmulke period." he commented. "This is going to help a lot of Jewish kids of color stand up in the hood. Drake doing this is really going to help those kids."

As an ad guy, I feel qualified to speak about what sells, and Drake swigging Manischewitz outside a synagogue certainly sells. Not to mention fellow rapper Lil Wayne (also featured in the video), wearing a panda mask while lounging beside a lavish shmorg boasting matzo balls, bagels and gefilte fish, also sells. The same way Rabbi Shmulie Boteach featuring the word “sex” in almost every one of his book titles, sells. Or Matisyahu’s Chasidic exterior combined with his reggae infused hip-hop, sells.

Like it or not, nowadays religion is just another idea vying for our severely compromised attention. Promote it the same ol’ way and you may as well pray to inspire more followers. Try something different, and who knows?

Besides, ask yourself what’s more disturbing: Filming a music video inside a shul, or sitting in that same shul on a Saturday, reading about God testing Abraham’s devotion by commanding him to slaughter his only son?

Special thanks to JTA.org. Read more here

Learning To Kill My Darling

After he won the 1949 Nobel Prize for literature, American novelist and poet, William Faulkner was asked how he became such a skilled writer. He responded, “Learn how to kill your darlings.” Separating what you love from what works doesn’t come easily. Then again, neither do Nobel Prizes. Point is: Achievement can remain out of reach when we allow emotions to cloud our judgment. This idea transcends Faulkner. Consider the pet owner compelled to put down her cancer-riddled dog in spite of the urge to “wait it through”. Or the dad forced to call the police on his drug-addicted son after another near fatal outburst. Or the young man prepared to expose the religious institution in which he was repeatedly molested as a boy.

Last year, a schoolmate of mine, Menachem "Manny" Waks, came forward to speak publicly for the first time about the sexual abuse he says dogged his childhood. The abuse took place at Yeshivah College, a Lubavitch school established in Melbourne, Australia back in 1949. In spite of the school’s emphasis on Torah values, Manny’s experience was not an isolated one. Nor was there only one child predator lurking among the teaching staff. Manny shared the details of his abuse with the school’s top administrator expecting outrage and immediate action to follow. It didn’t. Instead of reporting the complaint to police and treating the abuse as a true crime, the school opted to deal with the allegations internally. So what did they do? In one case, the school allowed a convicted pedophile to escape local authorities and return to his native United States where he would go on to abuse other kids including a 12-year-old boy who was sodomized during a youth program at a St Louis synagogue. Other individuals were reprimanded and encouraged to seek counseling—all while remaining gainfully employed at the school where they would continue to molest other students. Not surprisingly Yeshivah was accused of covering up the scandals.

Yeshivah was established by a group of post-war immigrants in the late 1940s. These were folks that gladly traded labor camps and gas chambers for a secluded country where they could rebuild from scratch. Yeshivah became a source of pride to the Melbourne Jewish community and it’s chief Rabbi, the late Dovid Groner, was widely considered the community’s “go to” rabbi. On a personal note, this was the place I prayed with my late dad throughout my childhood. Where deceased loved ones are immortalized upon brass plaques covering the synagogue’s walls. Where a Torah scroll bearing my father’s name sits within the synagogue’s arc (a gift from my family). Where I studied, made lifelong friends and played football until the dusk light made it impossible to see the ball clearly anymore. Yes, Yeshivah was a place I loved and still visit during trips back home. But if forced to choose between my affinities for the institution or whether it ought to take full responsibility for what happened to Manny and other children, I don’t need any time to mull over the decision. These young men deserve justice. Period. Instead, many members of the community view these victims as rabble-rousers and thorns that ought to remain silent and move on. Perhaps this is the reflexive reaction of a population born largely from Holocaust survivors who had no interest in drawing further attention to themselves—especially from “goyim” who couldn’t possibly understand the lifestyles of orthodox Jews. It’s a position I understand yet am nonetheless repulsed by. Think about the irony for a moment. Jewish communities like Melbourne’s were only ever established because of a massive postwar influx of Jews. They were victims themselves, and in their hour of need the “civilized” world turned its back on them. But instead of developing a heightened sensitivity to the plight of Jewish victimhood, Yeshivah too, remained silent. Simply inexcusable.

Imminent lawsuits threaten to further damage the school’s reputation and throw the organization into financial chaos. Consider it a punitive form of chemotherapy in which healthy elements suffer along with cancerous ones. But ask any oncologist and they’ll confirm it; ignoring the cancer won’t make it go away.

Congressman? Really?

What is it with Rabbis that cannot accept the limitations of their chosen profession? We get it. You like having your photo taken with spiritually confused celebrities. You want your name to appear on the New York Times bestseller’s list. You want Charlie Rose to reinforce your delusions of grandeur. Now you also want to be the first rabbi elected to the U.S. Congress—completely bypassing the other rungs on the self-promotion ladder including: joining a boy band, leaking a sex tape, or starring in your own Reality TV show. To be fair, Shmuley Boteach did host his own reality TV show, was chummy with the late Michael Jackson and has penned such books as Kosher Sex, Kosher Adultery, The Kosher Sutra and most recently Kosher Jesus (I’m picking up a theme here). Hell, for $14.95 you can even buy your very own Rabbi Shmuley bobblehead toy. So perhaps a career in politics is a natural next step for the man who refers to himself as “America’s Rabbi”. Then again, maybe not. Boteach claims that congress needs him “Because the problems we’re seeing in our great nation are not caused by an economic downturn but by a values erosion, and [he] intends to be the values-voice that Congress so desperately needs.” Huh. And all this time I thought that the economic downturn was triggered by a complex interplay of valuation and liquidity problems in the United States banking system plus the bursting of the U.S. housing bubble, which caused the values of securities tied to U.S. real estate pricing to plummet, damaging financial institutions globally. But what the hell do I know? Now you’re probably wondering what policies the “values-voice” will bring to the table. How about an extension of the so-called blue laws? You know, religiously motivated legislation common in New England that keeps certain stores closed on Sundays? According to Rabbi Shmuley, its time to “consider legislation to recreate an American Sabbath so parents have an incentive to take kids to a park rather than teaching them to find satisfaction in the impulse purchase.” You hear that small business owners? We know you’re struggling to make ends meat and we’d love to visit your stores, but Michael Jackson’s rabbi demands that we take our kids to the park instead.

In spite of having zero political experience, Rabbi Shmuley has managed to garner support from the likes of Robert Yudin, chair of the Bergen County Republican Organization. According to Yudin, “He has name recognition, he’s written books. He would certainly give the Democrats a run for their money.” Hey Robert, you know who else has name recognition and has written books? Snookie, Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber—to name a few.

Haven’t Americans had their fill of sanctimonious characters spouting religious-infused rhetoric about “family values”? From Rabbi Shmuley’s desire to run for office on a platform of Kosher family values, to Rick Santorum’s religiously-infused anti-gay and anti-abortion positions, these folks seem completely out of touch with the intentions of the founding fathers. Whatever happened to Thomas Jefferson’s insistence to erect a wall of separation between church and state?

On a personal note, the most maddening part of Boteach’s political ambitions is that he is a Rabbi. Not just any rabbi, remember? “America’s Rabbi”. He sports a thick beard. Gestures with his hands a lot, and “Kosher” is clearly his favorite word. Let me be clear. It’s not that he’s Jewish. There have always been Jews in American politics. However, being an outwardly observant Jew in public office is a different bowl of matzo ball soup entirely. One slip up, one misappropriation of charitable funds, one brouhaha with the IRS, or one interview in which he comes across as some rambling fanatic, and it’s not just Shmuley who suffers—folks like me suffer too. We’re the ones who field questions from co-workers, acquaintances and even strangers about the antics of our “fellow-Jew”. We’re the ones forced to openly separate our own political and religious views from his, further reinforcing how fractured the Jewish population has become. And we’re the ones compelled to defend him when his religious beliefs are being questioned or ridiculed.

There are plenty of avenues for Rabbi Shmuley Boteach to leave his dent in the world. Some of which he’s already explored, and others he has no business exploring.

A Different Kind Of Observance

If you’ve read any major newspaper recently (or even fringe publication), chances are you’ve come across the name Rabbi Yoshiyahu Yosef Pinto. Name not ringing any bells? Basically, Pinto, 38, who traces his lineage to King David, is an Israeli-born rabbi of Moroccan descent.

Something between a guru and a Hasidic rebbe, Pinto is primarily interested in the esoteric elements of the Jewish tradition. You know, the same brand of Kabbalistic teaching that inspired Madonna and Demi Moore to wear a piece of red string around their emaciated wrists. But I digress. Pinto moved to New York from Israel and amassed a notable following. Real estate titans fetch him at the airport. Members of Congress including former U.S. representative, Anthony Weiner and U.S. congressman, Eric Cantor attended his Hebrew classes. Hell, even LeBron James, (who, it may surprise you to learn, is not Jewish) borrowed a friend’s yacht to consult the rabbi in private. True story. If that’s not enough, this “Rabbi to the stars” is also being considered for the position of chief rabbi of Israel.

But just like his name suggests, Pinto’s personal life is somewhat spotty. Despite his success in New York, he has been criticized by some Orthodox rabbis who say the frenzied atmosphere around him is cultlike, with people lining up for hours to receive his blessings or seek his “prophecy”. Critics also point to the millions of dollars in donations to the rabbi’s congregation that cannot be accounted for. Articles in Jewish publications have questioned his judgment. Camera crews have trailed him, with reporters shouting questions about improprieties. In his defense however, Pinto claims he is the victim of a bizarre embezzlement and extortion plot carried out by two former members of his inner circle (not surprisingly, the accused parties deny those allegations).

Here’s my point: Rabbis are not rock stars. They are not prophets. And they are not go-betweens between the divine and man. They are people just like you and I, except they chose a different career path. While you and I were pursuing a degree or trade, rabbis were studying Torah in rabbinical school. Does that make them inherently more spiritual than you or I? Not necessarily. Does it mean that they have God on speed dial? No. Does it mean that they are fluent in Jewish laws and customs? I hope so.

Nonetheless, there are obviously plenty of impressionable folks out there with more money than common sense. How else could Pinto afford to set up shop in a Manhattan building that cost a cool $28.5 million? I bet LeBron’s house didn’t even cost that much. But that’s neither here nor there.

Look, if you’re ill, or have been trying unsuccessfully to have a baby, or simply want a healthier bank balance, don’t throw your money at a rabbi like he’s some sort of stripper ready to fulfill your fantasies. Instead, exhaust every medical option available to you, work harder and if the mood takes you, pray. But don’t put all your eggs into a 38-year-old Israeli’s gold-plated basket. And if you do, don’t be shocked or disappointed if you remain sick, childless or broke.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that charity is a waste of money. But giving away millions of dollars for “top shelf” blessings while not knowing how that money is being managed is wasteful. Period.

The Pinto story is nothing new of course. Having attended a Lubavitch school back in Australia, I became accustomed at an early age to the fervor surrounding the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson. Each classroom at Yeshivah College boasted a framed photograph of “The Rebbe” directly above the blackboard. Even as a child, the adulation surrounding Rabbi Schneerson made me uncomfortable and seemed to eclipse the role of God altogether. These feelings were only exacerbated after Schneerson’s death when a significant portion of his followers insisted that he would soon return as the messiah.

There was also the late Rabbi Moshe Ben-Tov, who visited Australia when I was a kid. Ben-Tov amassed a loyal following and was known as the “Mezuzah Seer,” for his ability to discern important personal information by inspecting peoples’ mezuzah scrolls.

There’s a reason Jews are forbidden from riding bicycles on the Sabbath. It’s not that the act itself breaks any of the Sabbath laws. It’s because riding is considered an inappropriate activity on a day designed for spirituality and self-reflection. Sort of like laughing at a funeral—you just don’t do it. So too, Rabbis who hobnob with billionaires and superstars, or give false hope to those desperate for answers when none exist, are behaving inappropriately.

Still disagree? Consider this: Anthony Weiner resigned after a scandal over inappropriate posts on Twitter. Eric Cantor's handling of the debt ceiling debate further reinforced his reputation as a rigid conservative. And LeBron and his fellow Miami superstars lost the NBA championships to a bunch of grizzled Dallas veterans. Then again, Pinto “never gives a guarantee one way or the other [regarding his predictions].” How convenient.

The 6 Freakiest Ads of 2011

It's time to slip into something less comfortable—6 ads representing the perfect blend of entertainment value and sheer freakishness (and one with Van Damme). So sit back and soak up the weirdness. Then take a long, hot shower and try to forget about them.

The most mind-bending commercial from Super Bowl XLV last February, this CarMax spot had a peculiar cast of characters: a kid in a candy store, a geek at a robot convention, a mermaid at a swim meet, a wrestler in a folding-chair factory, a hippie in a drum circle, an acrobat in a mattress store, and of course, a customer at CarMax—lucky souls, all, who feel right at home in their environments. All that was missing, really, was the proverbial pig in muck.

Click here to watch the ad

This spot isn't really freaky so much as it is completely awesome. But it descends into a hallucinatory phantasmagoria, so it counts. It opens with a man at a Sonic drive-through being told he can get anything he wants on his burger. This sends him careening into a colorful, crazy daydream full of giant Sonic food floating around and Sonic workers making kaleidoscopic Busby Berkeley moves in roller skates. (The Dude's dream sequence in The Big Lebowski reportedly was an inspiration.) The music tops it off—a parody of "You Can Do Magic" by America, with lyrics that are stupidly and comically forced to rhyme. Throw in some wonderfully goofy acting, and you've got the year's looniest fast-food ad. I'll have what he's having.

Click here to watch the ad

Orkin has been doing humorously disgusting commercials starring giant insects for a couple of years now. In 2011, the pest-control company added a pair of nasty rats to the mix. These rodents of unusual size were quite musical—they're seen rocking out on guitars in a living room while a family is on vacation. When the homeowners return early, the rats don't scamper and hide. They stand their ground, and one of the rats even hisses, "We could use the boy ... on drums." Only when Orkin shows up do the rodents flee, peeling out hilariously in an old-style race car. A wonderful addition to a pleasantly freaky campaign.

Click here to watch the ad

Ah, proctology humor. It's one of the oldest and dirtiest tricks in the book. But this spot for Echo power equipment takes it into even nether-er territory. "I put up with a lot," our hero says, as his backside is investigated by a proctologist in full view of some medical students. "But one thing I won't put up with is outdoor power equipment that always breaks down. So, I use professional-grade equipment from Echo." He then whips out a weed whacker. Sure, it was among the year's crassest, most gratuitously stupid commercials—but intentionally so. Give it a little slack, and it won't hurt a bit.

Click here to watch the ad

Speaking of nonsensical—it isn't just candy advertisers who've perfected it. High-fashion advertisers are right there, too. Among the year's most ludicrous fashion-related spots was this loony film from Norway's Bjørg Jewellery in which a woman gets burned at the stake. Why is she burned at the stake? Don't ask why—this is art! (Well, it's artful . . . well, OK, it's just kind of stupid.) For some reason, Bjørg left the disclaimer off this ad: Unless you are certain your friend is a witch, do not try this at home.

Click here to watch the ad

The year's craziest celebrity endorsement? It had to be this Coors Light spot with Jean-Claude Van Damme comparing the beer to his frozen crotch. No, seriously. Here's his dialogue verbatim: "My pants froze, and froze hard. So tight. Even thinking about it takes me back. Have you ever seen a man-penguin walk after an intense mating season? Have you? When a man's pants freeze as rock solid as mine—let me tell you, my friends, even that was nothing compared to the ice-cold refreshment of a Coors Light. Man, my pants were tight." Chatting about your tight, frozen crotch and comparing yourself to an oversexed penguin—an interesting second act for the Muscles from Brussels. Points for not taking himself too seriously.

Click here to watch the ad

Assume Nothing

Mark Twain famously wrote, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” This was Twain's tongue-in-cheek commentary on a vacuous society, one in which the façade of credibility became an acceptable replacement for the real thing. It’s been over 100 years since Twain’s death but his musing remains as applicable today as it did then. We’re still astonished to hear about “men of the cloth” raping little boys. We still believe that the guy we’d enjoy having a beer with would make a competent leader of the free world. We still associate a dress made out of raw beef with creativity. And Matthew McConaughey still receives acting roles. Now the Jewish community is struggling to come to terms with Chasidic music star, Matisyahu, no longer fitting comfortably inside the stereotypical box we believed he was so happy in.

Assumptions are dangerous things. Whether its assumptions about the morality of a university football coach, the honesty of our elected officials, or the efficacy of drugs we’re bombarded with via advertising. Of course assumptions do make life easier. They remove the hard work associated with reconciling seemingly contradictory parts of the same equation. But they also set us up for bitter disappointment. Would Bernie Madoff have eviscerated so many people’s life savings had they not assumed all was well with his investment strategies? But I digress.

Yesterday, Matisyahu (a.k.a. Matthew Miller) posted two photos of his newly beardless face to the social networking site Twitter and added an explanation on his website a few hours later.

“Sorry folks, all you get is me…no alias. When I started becoming religious 10 years ago it was a very natural and organic process. It was my choice. My journey to discover my roots and explore Jewish spirituality—not through books but through real life. At a certain point I felt the need to submit to a higher level of religiosity…to move away from my intuition and to accept an ultimate truth. I felt that in order to become a good person I needed rules—lots of them—or else I would somehow fall apart. I am reclaiming myself. Trusting my goodness and my divine mission.” – Matisyahu

The transformation has predictably been met with mixed reactions. Some feel “duped” by the former Chassidic reggae singer. Some were eager to congratulate him for his bravery, while others simply questioned the financial wisdom of the decision, noting that Matisyahu’s iconic appearance had more to do with his rise to stardom than his talent alone. However, among these voices, those of discontent seem the loudest, even provoking Matisyahu to defensively respond via Twitter, “For all those who are confused: today I went to the Mikva and Shul just like yesterday.” This begs the question: Should he have felt ashamed were he not to take a ritual bath or attend synagogue? My point being: Matisyahu has every right to reformulate his image—especially when that image is based on something as contentious as religion. After all, religion begs critique, and even a lifelong struggle. People encounter similar dilemmas every day. The only difference being that most of us are not famous and consequently face far less scrutiny if we suddenly decide to zig when we were expected to zag. Would those expressing their dissatisfaction with Matisyahu’s transformation feel better if the singer were to maintain a Chasidic veneer for the sake selling albums of filling concert venues? Perhaps. Ignorance is bliss after all. Instead they’re being exposed to a level of sincerity they didn’t see coming. Their uneasiness is understandable. That’s the nature of change. Ultimately however, we should be appreciative of Matisyahu’s honesty and disappointed that we allowed our assumptions to get the better of us yet again.

Changing The Topic

The great thing about technology being ubiquitous is that we can now access and share information on a whim. The troubling thing about technology being ubiquitous is that we may not like what we watch, read, hear or spontaneously receive. I experienced the latter this week, when my inbox contained a link to a video featured on Glenn Beck’s GBTV program. Of course given Beck’s reputation, I expected the content to be unapologetically biased. What I didn’t expect was that the video would be the handiwork of my good friend Ami Horowitz (you can check it out here). I usually don’t to respond to pieces like this, but given my relationship with its creator, and his unexpected position on the Occupy Wall Street (OWS) movement, I felt compelled to answer back—even if this blog garners a mere fraction of the eyeballs that watched Ami’s video. If nothing else, I’ll consider this a cathartic exercise.

The video opens with Ami espousing positions held by the Tea Party and then compares these ideals to the vacuous rants of Zuccotti Park’s most outlandish occupiers. Ami is right however. In many respects OWS is indeed a mirror image of the Tea Party. To the Tea Party, government is the enemy. To OWS, huge corporations are the enemy. OWS wants to raise taxes on billionaires. The Tea Party wants to considerably reduce them. OWS wants to rebuild and strengthen the safety net. The Tea Party wants to weaken it. Of course, none of these comparisons were addressed in the video because apparently, a Marilyn Manson look-alike with a penchant slicing up his face with razor blades seemed like a competent enough spokesperson. Then, in an attempt to demonstrate his impartiality Ami compassionately informs us, “Ok, they weren’t all like that”, before cutting to an equally inarticulate girl who appeared to be on drugs. Nicely done my friend. The rest of the video is spent pretty much mocking the protesters, commenting on their lack of hygiene (I think I counted at least three deodorant jokes) and avoiding conversation with thoughtful, articulate protesters like this guy.

The OWS protesters may not be armed with Old Spice, but thankfully they’re not armed with guns either—unlike many of their Tea Party counterparts. But that’s neither here nor there. Perhaps most unnerving however, is the exchange between Beck and Ami. Beck dismissively labels the OWS folks, “useful idiots”. Ami ups the ante by dividing the protesters into three categories: 1. Commies and socialists 2. College grads with nothing better to do 3. Dirty, smelly hippies. Really? This accurately sums up the group and their agenda? This is how a movement spreads to more than 80 countries around the world, from Hong Kong to Fairbanks, from Miami to London, from Berlin to Sydney, and hundreds more cities large and small? I don’t think so.

Any documentarian willing to scratch the surface can find that the group essentially stands for more and better jobs, more equal distribution of income, bank reform, and a reduction of the influence of corporations on politics. These ideals are not held by a fringe group of Commies, smelly hippies or college deadbeats either. With income inequality the greatest it’s been since the great depression, a Washington Post/ABC poll found that 60 percent of Americans believe federal government should pursue policies to reduce the wealth gap. That, of course, is the essence of the Occupy movement, with protesters across country making, “We are the 99 percent” their call to arms, figuratively speaking.

There’s no way to deny that OWS stand for important issues, but there are several means of evading these issues, as Ami's documentary so deftly proves.